My Thirty Something

Sooooo…

Funny how much you care when you don’t think you’re going to care. I guess I got my answer to the outstanding question. Saw the new guy with his ex at church this morning. Bothered me more than seeing my ex with his new girlfriend. Oh the complicated life I lead. How I was feeling took me by surprise in fact it still is bothering me and I’m not sure why. I guess I had let myself feel and care more than I had allowed myself to believe. So let me deal with this on top of everything. This was what I was afraid of it’s why I insisted that he be sure about this and he said he was. I just feel stupid again and mislead. Ugh. I hate crying. I really do I thought I was done with this. At least I got to feel what it was like to be happy for a couple of weeks and I’ll take that. 

T

Life

So a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. I’m not one hundred percent sure what I should be feeling right now. I moved into my own place and I love it. I kind of started seeing someone if you can even define it as that, it is someone I’ve known for a long time, in fact he is friends with my ex boyfriend. Not close friends but still friends. It’s a complicated situation that continually becomes more complicated. Tonight he called and told me that his ex girlfriend came and saw him and told him she was sorry and that she made a huge mistake and that she wants him back and when he told her he met someone else she started to cry and they had a very deep conversation. So now he is on the fence. Does he choose to pursue this with me? Or does he go back to his ex? Initially he told me in a text that they broke up mutually and that it had nothing to do with me that it was going to happen anyways. Now I’m in a weird position, do I just tell him to let it go? Do I really want to see where it goes because I like him or because he is someone that is there now and I’m alone which is only magnified by the whole living alone thing? Sitting here all Saturday afternoon watching tv…alone. Everyone else’s lives seem to be moving forward. But I’m afraid him and I have gone too far to just go back to being friends, to just watch him start dating his ex girlfriend again now that I’m feeling something. Feeling something that I haven’t let develop into a real something because of this situation I’m in now. I just don’t want to be hurt again and somehow I can feel it coming. Can’t I just find someone who wants me and only me, doesn’t have to sit and decide but just know that I’m it for them without question because I’m me and I’m a really great girl, a great catch. What is wrong with wanting that? Ugh and it is only amplified by the difficulty of actually meeting a decent guy. So for now I sit on my couch ready to go out on a date that isn’t going to happen tonight waiting for a return phone call that probably won’t come tonight or tomorrow or a week from now. Maybe a text saying he’s decided to go the other way. For now his decision is to just not do anything. 

T

Question

Sometimes I have to queation the decisions I make. What can you do? Just go with it.

Acceptable

What I’ve come to realize in the last few days is that it is ok to love somebody with your whole heart even if they never love you the same. It doesn’t make me silly or stupid that that is how I love. It is a good thing. I just need to find someone who will love me that same way. And although I know he loves me too it isn’t the same love at least if it is I haven’t seen it or felt it. And that is ok also. It doesnt make him a bad person because that is how he loves. I have to just trust God and focus on him everyday. Of course it isn’t easy. When my mind starts slipping into that dark, negative and self destructive place I start singing a song I know so well, “Jesus Loves Me” and it starts drowning out that negativity and I start scream/singing it at the top of my lungs in my head until the bad thoughts disappear and it has been working. Faith is easier said and done but I won’t give up. And I will love someone again someday whoever that lucky guy happens to be. Herr is to being more positive. May the love of God shine through me everyday to everyone I interact with.

Tina

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve….

It has been awhile. I have to admit the last month and a half has been rough. Not only has work been stressful but I’ve been finally dealing with the emotions of my breakup from last year (which was triggered by finding out that he has a new girlfriend). My initial emotionless reaction was fueled by anger, resentment and bitterness. This wasn’t what I wanted, I was pushed to a point where I had to make that decision. This was someone I had already planned a future with and now I’m going through the grieving process of the death of a future that no longer exists. It has taken me awhile to figure out why it was bothering me but when I finally did I was able to deal with it. My findings…..we were together in a serious (headed for marriage) relationship for the last four years and lived together for most of that time. He told me that I was “the girl’ and then four months after breaking up he is in a new relationship. I want to think that I was sooo important to him that he would have to date around at least a little bit to find someone comparable, but no, he jumped right into the next relationship with the first girl that he could. It made me feel worthless and unimportant, like the last four years meant nothing. I’m the one that broke up with him and I wasn’t ready to jump into anything new, and I didn’t understand how he could be. But I realized that it was crazy for me to even think like that. I have a lot of incredible qualities that some guy out there will appreciate and love. For awhile there I was mad thinking that he should be suffering, but I’m not twelve years old and that mentality is completely unreasonable.

And it wasn’t just knowing but seeing it. Pictures on Facebook, the hand holding at church…it’s rough. I feel like it is constantly being thrown in my face. Whether or not you want to be with someone, I have loved him for a long time and it is just hard to watch him with a new girl. But I know God has someone out there for me and I just have to remain faithful. As painful as it is at moments it’s getting easier every day. And I have to remember that I don’t want to be her. He isn’t for me.

This weekend we watched “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and in that movie the boy in there asked his teacher why we end up loving people that don’t treat us well and his teacher’s response was that “we accept the love that we think that we deserve”. i don’t believe we conscientiously do that but I see how I’ve allowed myself to be in relationships where I don’t get treated as well as I actually deserve. I’m not saying my ex is a bad guy, he is a great guy but he wasn’t great for me. I know what I deserve now and what I’m looking for. I want to be with someone for forty years and they still think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. What girl doesn’t want that? I will not settle. 

Today is a relax day. A much needed rest day.

Have a wonderful week my dears.

Tina